...

So...





I'm sitting in my living room.


Alone.


Listening to Michael Bublé. [:





I'm quite lonely.


But I sought solitude.


Feeling that I needed it for a while.


And it was good.


Really good for the first week and a half.


But now...


I'm so very alone.





Hope the summation of this year looks up.


I hope that I make it to the Bay.


To see my best friend


Danielle Elaine Benjamin


And take a break from life.


That's better than my current one.





And to my good friend Soloman.


I'm sorry that I'm being a crappy friend.


You don't know it.


But I'm holding back.


Cause like always...


I'm worried about others and not myself.


Everyone else comes before me.


Everyone else can be happy.


But not I.


I'm sorry if it seems that I'm just taking.


Emotionally, that is.


I'm hesistant to let you give me anything that is...


Concrete evidence of you giving me all this thought


and attention...


And me giving little to no time of day.


I'm sorry.


I wish I didn't care.


I wish I wasn't scared.


But most of all


I wish I wasn't here...


Rather a figment of everyone's imagination.





I didn't get to go to Vegas.


To visite mis grand-parents


Parce que...


Parce que...


Je ne se pas.





I wanna sleep...


My life away.





Happy Kwanzaa

Umoja - "Unity"

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"There's no such thing as superstars; just supernovas and dwarf stars..."

[None]

I haven't update my blog in quite some time...I've been so busy, unfortunately. :/

My great uncle passed today and it was one of the most heartbreaking annoucements of my life. ...My father has no brothers so my great uncle's on my father's side serve as my uncle's...now two of them are gone; leaving only one left.

Calling my grandmother today, she seemed so heartbroken...she only has one baby brother left...but I will see to it that she makes it through this devastating time.

I'm a very private person so it suprises me that I'm writing about the passing of my great uncle...I suppose I write in this thing in the hopes that no one will read it.

Au revoir

Like Sam Cooke Says "Change Is Gonna Come..."

So God has blessed me with a JOB INTERVIEW Thursday at 3pm!!! YAY! lol I can't believe how faithful God is despite of how unfaithful I can be at times...how I sin against him and fall short most of the time; its remarkable!!! :)

I've also been cultivating a lil garden with someone and it has been great...its too soon to say anything, but I think its safe to say that I'm happy with the way things are going and I'm intrigued by what's to come...if anything...

I've kinda been trying to be on my writing grind, but it doesn't seem to be really goin' that well. lol I'll write one piece within an hour...and then have writer's block or a writing slump for a week or more at a time. I guess a craft takes ton of practice and exercise before it can be mastered.

I'm so happy!!! There's so much that I'm learning to just appreciate and take for what it truly is and like my dad say's "Things get worse before they can get better." This couldn't be more true...

Enjoy the rest of your day people!

Peace and Blessings,

-B.P.

P.S. Sia is the ISH! Real talk son! "Some People Have Real Problems," is an album one can loop...Tracks 1-14! :)

Baby Shower...

I just got back from my good friend Xochilt's baby shower. It was great being able to help but that on for her! :)

Jasmin, Amanda, and I woke up at 5:30 am to reserve our spot at the park to throw it for her...We decorated hella much. It turned out beautiful! I'll post pictures later...

But, it was just amazing to sit and reminisce with people that I love sooo much! And play catch up...I realized how much true love I have at home and all the fake love that awaits for me back in Riverside really isn't worth salvaging or worrying about gaining or retaining...

Yesterday Amanda, Jasmin, and I finished ther rest of the shopping for the baby shower and we got a bit to eat to just chill and talk...I miss that about them; we never had to do anything extraordinary to have fun. We were always to make the most of each moment we spent together. That's what best friends are like man! There's no one in the world like them! I feel bad that I don't visit back home as often; but I'm hoping that soon changes...I need to find balance. lol

But seeing Xochilt as the beautiful mother she will be...man, it brought tears to my eyes. She was gorgeous; in her motherly glow and all. It fit her sooo well...its like she was already ready to be a mother; she didn't seem afraid at all or unsure about bringing a new life into this world. It was so inspiring. :) She looked way too fierce and BOOM to be 8 months pregnant! hehe

But please believe I am NOT ready to have kids anytime soon! ...I don't even know if I'll have kids. lol

Xochilt,

You're gonna make a great mom! I love you soooo much and I am so proud of the woman that you have become! You are soooo loved! :)

Here It Goes...No Reservations Right?

I usually NEVER, ever share my work, but I guess I'm trying to break outta that...considering I wanna write a book and all. lol So contradictory right?

Anywho...here's a piece I wrote today; it needs some tweakin', but I'm just happy that I was finally able to crank some stuff out! :)

You can leave comments; critical one's are most welcome! You can't improve without being critiqued! hehe :)

Its currently untitled so if there's any suggestions for a title, spit em at me son! I'll be sure to give you 100 percent credit for the title! lol

Here it goes:

I want to stand at the top of a mountain
And scream at the top of my lungs
Until I become hoarse
And my vocal box becomes coarse
About how much I absolutely…
HATE you!
For each pillow case gone to waste…
Due the mold incurred from tears
Which were due to immeasurable amounts of fears
Of you leaving
In the midst of winter
When a gal is most vulnerable to grieving
Because the late nights grow colder
And she needs someone to grow warm…
I HATE YOU!
For each lie uncovered,
Made only because you thought you loved me enough to not want me find out
It was one more thing you didn’t want me to have to worry about
But little did you know
Each bending of the truth
Rung me dry
Leaving me to be hung out…
Until you felt guilty enough to return
But most of all,
I HATE YOU…
For being irreplaceable
My one and only beautiful surprise
My true angel in disguise
That I will never regain
Not with all the fame,
And fortune this world has to offer…
For this I most mourn
Because you might as well be dead to me…

B.P.

Much to do about nothing....

So...I've been home, in West Covina [pictured above; Vine and Hollenbeck intersection], since Sunday night and I must say I feel somewhat left out. There are many things that have gone on since I've been away that my parents failed to tell me about. I'm not too upset about it, but I still feel like there's a reason as to why I wasn't "bothered" about anything that's gone on...

I'm praying about this job I applied for as a Community Service Intern for the Dean of Students at UCR; hopefully I'll get it. I should know within the next two weeks if I'll be getting an interview. If you're so compelled to you can pray for me as well. hehe :)

I finally get a chance to vegetate and it feels good; but I feel like I should be doing something every minute of it. Its like a soon as a I get a chance to breathe...I don't take it. Rather, I worry myself about nothing; at least things that I can't change. I'm a mess, but I'm sure you can come to the same conclusion by reading only one of my blogs. lol

I love Adele! Her music makes me wanna give love chance; even though I most likely will get her a few more times before I ever find it...its just so trippy knowing that she wrote her whole album based on one guy...just one. 12 songs; 3 minutes plus a piece for one guy...that is some much love and heartbreak its ridiculous. And she was only 19 when she wrote it. I mean, if that's not inspiration for someone who is about to be 20 herself...I don't know what is. :)

So I've been talking to this guy lately...just getting to know him better; nothing too serious. But his like my twin if I ever had one. lol We have freaky stuff in common: like he's a deuce and so am I...he's an Alpha, but his chapter is Xi Rho; I'm obviously an SGRHO, and my chapter is Xi Rho as well...We both are obsessed with Star Wars, both born in October [Him the 18th; Me the 28th], we both like the same kinda artists Common, Kanye, etc., and have an ecletic taste of music; we both like going on adventures...the list truly goes on.

I met him when I went up North for our 11th Annual SGRho BBQ; my Sandz, favorite Club [A.Crutison], went to SF State after the BBQ to chill at his place...we met his roomie Coby, an Iota, at the BBQ and he said there was gonna be a party at his place, but it was no such luck. lol Anywho, I met him when he got there...had some small talk; took some shots together and exchanged only numbers at the end of the night. I didn't expect to hear from him, but he texted me outta the blue one day and we've been having some good conversation these past few days...

I think I like the fact he lives in Frisco cause if I ever wanted to take it there, we would be forced to take it very slow, due to distance.

I guess time will only tell; it always does.

Oh! The strangest thing happened to me...I talked to someone from my past both today and yesterday...two different someone's. Yesterday it was my good ol' friend with the dreads and a habit of blazing whenever he gets some down time; he wants to "kick it with me ASAP," and wants me to meet his friends from Peru, they'll be down here tomorrow. Today, I talked to good ol' Kappa boy that loves to be combative with me; nothing too interestig there...just told me that how he was a Jedi and would soon turn me over to the dark side. Little does he know...the force is strong with this one! lol :)

"That look's like a Terridactal out of gay Jurrasic Park!" haha Gotta love re-runs of Project Runway. :)

Until my next pointless post,

Au revoir!

A plus tard!

(:

"I'm looking for the perfect brush to paint what's going through your mind." -Drake "Brand New"

I'm currently in le librarie unable to concentrate on my work; I can't seem to focus. I'm soooo distracted!!! lol Its like the end is here and I can't seem to put all my focus and energy into the end. ...Rather I'm already seeing the end being here and I'm kinda going through the motions for the last three days that remain in Summer school. Not too smart of me, but I can't help it; the way I see it I'll be getting to B's anyway...I won't fail my finals, not at all...I might Ace them, but we'll see how my luck changes with studying by 2:30 today. lol

So instead of studying I decided I'm gonna write something; maybe it'll be good enough to add to my collection for my novel.

I'll post it once I finish...maybe. lol

A plus tard...

Au revoir

So...I created a new blog. Tis' been quite some time since I had one of these things...

And I don't know why; I think it might be due to the honesty that writing often reflects. Reading one of my older blogs I found how much of myself I didn't like and how much of myself has ultimately changed. One can always write the things they could never say...would never say.

So, in this first entry I'm gonna write a lot about all that I've been to afraid to talk about; with no reservations whatsoever...cause I've been quiet for too long.

First and foremost, I have never felt so alone in my whole life; EVER. Yet, I'm surrounded by so many people...friends, family [although some ways away because of school], sisters; I recently became a proud member of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority Inc., Xi Rho Chapter...

But with all of these support systems I still feel alone. ...My roommates are great, but I feel further from them than ever. My ls's are great too; but everyone is off doing their own thing, which is great; I just feel left out at times...not to say people are obligated to tell me anything.

But what probably is affecting most is the fact that I'm harboring all of these feelings with myself and not sharing them with anyone...especially my Father; my best friend...the one I can go to for any and everything. I love him so much!!! But I'm seperated from him by some 50 miles...and having no car makes that distance seem longer; I can't just go drive to see him whenever I please. And yes the phone can be a substitution for all of this, but I'm not one to talk on the phone and I do talk to him on the phone, but my opportunities to do such are limited and personal interactions are always preferred! lol

I don't know how to rid myself of such feelings and I hate having them, but I don't know where to begin...

I also never do the things that I love anymore; no writing, no reading [for leisure that is. lol], no watching sportscenter, no cooking, no collecting music, no learning and experiencing new things...at all. lol No movie watching...rather I spend my days post class, sleeping my life away or studying...neither really being bad things. lol Weekends filled with sometimes drinking myself into a stupor...or calling a guy I know I shouldn't be. Although nothing happens; considering I'm still a virgin; part of myself is still compromised...and holding on to my virginity becomes harder and harder each time.

Finances are soo killing me right now. I'm BROKE! lol Real talk...and I have yet to find a job; I've applied to over 20 places this whole summer and have yet to hear back from an employer. I mean am I that disqualified? I have work experience; I'm heading into my third year of college. Is the recession that bad? lol What does one do when all seems hopeless?

PRAY! Which I fail to do each night; I do pray...but not as often as I should; not as faithfully as I should be...I have yet to depend solely on God and stop depending on myself to get me through. I am but a mere mortal; filled with sin....I fall short each and every day. What makes me think I can do it? Alone at least...

My relations with the opposite sex is something I will talk about another day; I can write WAY tooo much about that subject. lol What baffels me the most is that there are guys out there that can't handle me as a friend! Its crazy...I'm truly not looking for anything! Seriously...but I find myself always in the most absurd situations with guys. It seems once I match a guys interest he pulls back and tries to play it cool; even though he's usually the one that pursued me FIRST and waited on me to give him the time of day. It seems like a game; once the prize is gained its off to the next match! lol Lets just thank God my prize is time and a kiss here or there...and nothing more. lol

I've also been slacking on my goals. I wanted to have my book finished by the end of the summer and I only have about two pieces to put in it. lol I wanted to learn guitar by the end of the summer....I have yet to pick up one. lol I also wanted to get into better shape; but I've worked out twice this whole summer. haha

I just feel as though I've lost sight of all that I want, but even more so all that God wants for me. I have no passion for life anymore; its all been sucked out of me. I'm just going through the motions and not capitalizing on what each day has to offer to me...cause in all reality, today could be my last. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no man...