So...I created a new blog. Tis' been quite some time since I had one of these things...
And I don't know why; I think it might be due to the honesty that writing often reflects. Reading one of my older blogs I found how much of myself I didn't like and how much of myself has ultimately changed. One can always write the things they could never say...would never say.
So, in this first entry I'm gonna write a lot about all that I've been to afraid to talk about; with no reservations whatsoever...cause I've been quiet for too long.
First and foremost, I have never felt so alone in my whole life; EVER. Yet, I'm surrounded by so many people...friends, family [although some ways away because of school], sisters; I recently became a proud member of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority Inc., Xi Rho Chapter...
But with all of these support systems I still feel alone. ...My roommates are great, but I feel further from them than ever. My ls's are great too; but everyone is off doing their own thing, which is great; I just feel left out at times...not to say people are obligated to tell me anything.
But what probably is affecting most is the fact that I'm harboring all of these feelings with myself and not sharing them with anyone...especially my Father; my best friend...the one I can go to for any and everything. I love him so much!!! But I'm seperated from him by some 50 miles...and having no car makes that distance seem longer; I can't just go drive to see him whenever I please. And yes the phone can be a substitution for all of this, but I'm not one to talk on the phone and I do talk to him on the phone, but my opportunities to do such are limited and personal interactions are always preferred! lol
I don't know how to rid myself of such feelings and I hate having them, but I don't know where to begin...
I also never do the things that I love anymore; no writing, no reading [for leisure that is. lol], no watching sportscenter, no cooking, no collecting music, no learning and experiencing new things...at all. lol No movie watching...rather I spend my days post class, sleeping my life away or studying...neither really being bad things. lol Weekends filled with sometimes drinking myself into a stupor...or calling a guy I know I shouldn't be. Although nothing happens; considering I'm still a virgin; part of myself is still compromised...and holding on to my virginity becomes harder and harder each time.
Finances are soo killing me right now. I'm BROKE! lol Real talk...and I have yet to find a job; I've applied to over 20 places this whole summer and have yet to hear back from an employer. I mean am I that disqualified? I have work experience; I'm heading into my third year of college. Is the recession that bad? lol What does one do when all seems hopeless?
PRAY! Which I fail to do each night; I do pray...but not as often as I should; not as faithfully as I should be...I have yet to depend solely on God and stop depending on myself to get me through. I am but a mere mortal; filled with sin....I fall short each and every day. What makes me think I can do it? Alone at least...
My relations with the opposite sex is something I will talk about another day; I can write WAY tooo much about that subject. lol What baffels me the most is that there are guys out there that can't handle me as a friend! Its crazy...I'm truly not looking for anything! Seriously...but I find myself always in the most absurd situations with guys. It seems once I match a guys interest he pulls back and tries to play it cool; even though he's usually the one that pursued me FIRST and waited on me to give him the time of day. It seems like a game; once the prize is gained its off to the next match! lol Lets just thank God my prize is time and a kiss here or there...and nothing more. lol
I've also been slacking on my goals. I wanted to have my book finished by the end of the summer and I only have about two pieces to put in it. lol I wanted to learn guitar by the end of the summer....I have yet to pick up one. lol I also wanted to get into better shape; but I've worked out twice this whole summer. haha
I just feel as though I've lost sight of all that I want, but even more so all that God wants for me. I have no passion for life anymore; its all been sucked out of me. I'm just going through the motions and not capitalizing on what each day has to offer to me...cause in all reality, today could be my last. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no man...
